I knew that I wanted to document this process, more than anything else so that I could always look back on it and remember every thought and feeling that I had about the experience. The fact that I am already referring to certain parts and processes in the past tense is strange. It's odd to think that I have already experienced some parts of university that I will never experience again and I am not even 24 hours in to the process.
I embarked on this journey feeling extremely over prepared. Even at almost 19 years old I am as naive as a child on their first day at school.
I made lists and budgeted for things I would need; I filled notebooks and folders doing so. I changed my mind about so many things that I felt invisible! I had decided to live at home then decided to move away. I considered every possible outcome and made the decision I thought was best and I am confident I made the right choice but nothing can prepare you for what this feels like.
I was no stranger to the apprehension and, in this instance, I knew the anxiety I was feeling was no condition that my brain had tricked me into, it was completely natural. I knew this.
It began the on Saturday night. I had picked up my keys and partially moved in, the rest to be completed the next day. It hit me that evening that in a few hours time, I'd have to say goodbye to my dog and that we would no longer be living in the same house. I would no longer be woken every morning by her scratching at my door for a cuddle. It's funny the things that get you.
I didn't ever consider in all of my planning that moving to university might be slightly unpleasant. I had accepted that I was a bit of an introvert and would take a little while to integrate, but I could expect the feelings I felt when I was finally moved in and settled.
It's exciting, moving somewhere new, to a completely different environment and atmosphere. But it's also extremely overwhelming. I can't describe the feeling of when your mum and dad get back into the car and drive away and you're left in this new place, completely alone for the first time.
I didn't expect to feel so unsettled. I had prepared everything, surely?
The slightest thing just made me cry. I couldn't explain why I was crying, not to my boyfriend or anyone. I'd calm down and then suddenly be in tears again. I wasn't even sad, or homesick. I didn't want to go back home and I didn't dislike my room or house mates, I was just utterly overwhelmed.
Nobody really talks about how it actually feels to move into halls.
Every YouTube video I have watched or blog post I have read kind of brushes over it.
I didn't even indicate to anyone except my boyfriend that this was happening, that I was sat alone in my bedroom completely without control of my emotions. But I received a message from my old manager and work friend explaining that while the first night is always hard, it gets much better!
It helped me so much to know that this is normal, and having talked openly about it to my housemates I know that every single one of us went through this on our first night.
When you think about it, it's to be expected.
When you move into university halls, everything shifts. Everything changes.
You live somewhere new, often miles away from home, you're studying something new and you know virtually nobody. No one can go through that kind of change in one second and not be phased by it.
I still have moments now where I feel a little emotional and ache to give my dog a cuddle, but home will still be there if you need to get back for a weekend.
I wanted to write this to document the feeling and also so that anyone who might read this and think they're alone can know that everyone gets upset and unsettled. It's to be expected.
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