Hello internet friends. It's been a little while.
So much is changing right now, in fact, everything is changing. It's scary. I don't think I have ever been more afraid of life than I am when I currently try to fall asleep at night. However, not all changes are bad and I think I have learned more in the last couple of weeks than I have in the entire 12 years I have spent in full time education.
My official last day of school was on Wednesday and I was lucky enough to round up what has been a horrific 5 years at a school I have hated by performing for my year group in our leavers assembly. I carried around my guitar with me all day and am sure I will be remembered for eternity as the girl sat in the corner cuddling a guitar case. There are worse things to be remembered for, I'm sure. Leaving school really put things into perspective for me. When it comes to taking pictures with people you may never see again and signing year books and saying goodbye, you really realise who has influenced you and who you will rapidly forget. When it came to writing a message for the people I believed had made massive impacts on my life, I found myself struggling to know what to say. "Oh yeah thanks for breaking my heart in year 10, really appreciate it." or "Oh btw, thanks for making me insecure about wearing my glasses after all the derogatory comments in year 7." You realise that those things you thought would matter for the rest of your life just don't anymore because that person is just another face you never have to see again. Similarly, I realised who really had influenced me. People I always thought I'd never get along with I found myself writing essays. People who have grown so much since we were 12, who now have their own views and opinions and are real people with values. I couldn't be prouder of the most of the people I got to grow up with. The transition between being a year 7 and a year 11 is incredible because you change so much without even realising it.
The only thing that made me really tear up that day was when I went to say goodbye to my favourite English teacher and had to explain to her why I wouldn't be staying on for 6th form at Chipping Campden School. It was remarkable because I didn't have to explain, she just understood. Most teachers ended up questioning me for hours about why I'd hated it there so much but she was the one woman who had got to know her class so much that she knew what we were thinking. That's when I really realised how much I am influenced by strong, sassy women. It really broke my heart that she wouldn't be teaching me next year.
I entered that school with no idea who I really was. I left school with a lot of bad memories, but also a lot of really lovely ones due to some really special people that I feel so lucky to have met. I left with scars that might never heal but I wouldn't be without them. Most importantly, I left knowing exactly who I am and what I want out of life. I may never remember Pythagoras' theorem or ever use Trigonometry (Sorry Mr W.) But I will never lose touch with the person I have become not because of the school I hated, but because of the students I adored.
I have always been one to over plan for the future. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it hasn't done me many favours either because so much can change literally in a blink of an eye. You might just lose the person that you thought would always stay. The person who you thought would always be protecting you may become the very person you need shielding from. The friend you thought cared about you the most might be the one waiting with a knife for your back. You will never ever know a person as well as you know yourself. And so one thing I have had to learn the hard way is that you should never ever under any circumstances put another person before yourself. Ever. Because they probably wouldn't do the same for you. That's the one piece of advice I would give the the people that have influenced me to take with them where ever they go.
"People don't always understand the promises they make when they make them" - John Green
Don't ever give anyone else the opportunity to burn out your flame. Protect yourself but don't build up walls. There's a fine line between self protection and self destruction.
I found myself awake at an unsociable hour yesterday morning due to unseen circumstances and I ended up watching Ingrid Nilsen's coming out video multiple times because I found it so breathtakingly beautiful and heartwarming. She emotionally told a story that opened my eyes to how mysterious people are. You can think you know a person inside out yet in the deepest corners of their mind they could be holding a secret so painful and tragic yet so innocent that it's unfair. So another thing that I learned because of that is that you should never judge a person you don't know fully. You can never completely know somebody but losing your patience with someone isn't always justified. You will never know what a person is dealing with or what's going through there mind so take everything with a pinch of salt. People don't make choices without good reason, people wont push you away without good reason. The person who snapped at you when they spoke this morning could be dealing with anything. It's a good idea to find the perfect medium between giving people the benefit of the doubt and then letting people take advantage of you.
One thing Ingrid repeated throughout her influential video is that we all deserve our best chance, which brings me back onto the idea of always putting yourself first. That's the most valuable yet painful lesson I have ever learned. Sometimes you have to cut people off because all they will ever do is hurt you. You have to do that to give yourself your best chance. Sometimes you have to abandon the people you love most to get away from a toxic environment. Simply because you deserve your best chance at a full life. So my last piece of advice to all of my classmates is just do whatever the fuck you want: travel, take way too many selfies, talk to strangers (not creepy ones, be sensible about it ), forget appointments and do fun stuff instead, leave a job that makes you unhappy, give a cute guy your number, say no, say yes, make a scrapbook, write a journal and never ever lose touch with who you really are. And always remember that who you are is whoever the frickle frackle you want to be.
To anyone wondering why I didn't stay at that school, it's because I needed to give myself my best chance.
"I'm giving myself my best chance, and so should you" - Ingrid Nilsen.
