Life Update

Between painting my nails and writing endless amounts of poetry, I decided to just write one of my chatty little 'lifey' posts because I haven't really just talked to you guys in ages. 

 I have recently started sixth form at a new college which I love. You all know how much I absolutely hated school to the point where I was riddled with anxiety every evening and morning just at the thought of going. Somehow I managed to leave with 1 C, 6 Bs and 4 As in my GCSE's which I was so proud of after being so miserable for 5 years. I have always been a dedicated learner and student; I want to do well. So I knew I could afford to take a risk when moving schools because I was dedicated enough to make sure I succeeded. I'm so glad I moved. So so glad. This way I get to make sure that I enjoy the next two years of my life as opposed to being miserable. 

 When I picked up my GCSE grades I had two of the senior members of staff beg me to stay which was the most satisfying moment of my life. Once particularly pompous teacher, who had previously insulted me in a rather obvious, sexest manor the year before, stated how he thought I would have been one to stay. How ignorant adults can be to their lack of respect for pupils?

 I'm studying three subjects at A Level: Creative Writing, English Literature and History. I'm either going to study Journalism or Songwriting at University depending on how I do and where I chose to go (If i can afford uni.) 

 Music is going really well. I've stopped really caring about what reception I have. After spending 70% of my 12 weeks off school busking for driving lesson funds, I have a new respect for the music I make. It's me. I put all of myself into it and so I don't mind making a video for a hundred views when others get thousands because I know it's the best I can do. I love performing my music but I don't think I could handle that as a career. I think being famous would drive me crazy... there's no way I could ever handle it! I love the idea of writing songs as a living though. I love doing that so much! And if I could study it so I'm better at writing on demand it would be incredible. 

 In terms of my future, I'm trying to keep my mind pretty clear at the moment. As we all know from recent posts: I made the mistake over the last year of planning my entire life around one person and then it all fell apart when that one person who promised to always stay left. So I have this little plan for myself. I want to get education done and hopefully get a pretty decent job as a writer. Maybe I could even work from home giving me freedom away from a workplace. I want to rent a little flat in Stratford because I love it there and that's where I gig the most. Nothing fancy, just somewhere that's mine. I don't want to move straight in with a boyfriend. I'd rather know I can survive by myself first. Then a man can slot into my life comfortably rather than me slotting into theirs when they're my whole world. Once I leave the nest I don't ever want to have to come back.

 I've just painted my nails in the Barry M Rose Hip gelly nail polish and my whole body is covered in henna. I have built up a sixth form wardrobe that I love and feel confident in. I have these amazing heeled ankle boots that make my feet do the clicky heel thing when I walk on hard floor which makes me feel so grown up! I get to write poetry and stories as part of school and I get free periods every day which mean I can walk around the town I love with new friends that make me feel accepted. 

 I'm really starting to feel like who I am is good enough. 

Mind Your Own Biscuits And Life Will Be Gravy.

It's been a little while since I posted anything on here for a couple of reasons. After my last post (now deleted) I felt a bit wary of logging into my blog and checking things out because I was afraid, and rightly so as it turns out, of the consequences. My reasons for writing that post were simply to get out some really negative feelings and explain why the tone of my recent posts had been fairly melancholic. I expected to have horrible comments: people telling me to keep it inside or that no one really cares, all those regular, generic internet comments. What I didn't expect from telling you the story of mine and my ex boyfriend's split was for someone who used to be in his life to use and manipulate my trust and that post for their own personal gain. The thing is, he's still somebody that I care about and love deeply for reasons that I do not have to justify to anybody and it makes me sick that I allowed someone to use this blog to hurt him. 

 It made me want to write a little something about forgiveness. 

 We all make mistakes. Every single day people do things they shouldn't do and say things they shouldn't say. We're human, it's what we do. Some mistakes are bigger than others and so the consequences vary depending on the extent of the damage. It's easy to take out anger on people when they hurt us, it's much harder to forgive somebody. Forgiveness is something we have every single right to go back on. But you can not go back on your forgiveness and expect to be able to take out the same consequences on the person who wronged you. People change. People learn from mistakes. The person who hurt you years ago isn't the same person today. They've changed and they've grown. You can't expect to be able to hold them accountable for something they may have regretted and changed about themselves when they aren't the person who made that mistake anymore. This is my personal opinion and you don't have to agree with me, I am aware there are some circumstances where you can't forget what someone has done to you. But when you know it wasn't their fault and have accepted that, when you know they weren't being malicious in their actions you can not rewrite history and decide all of a sudden the circumstances were different and they are actually a bad person. The circumstances in which you allowed them to believe there were no hard feelings hasn't changed, you changing your mind on how you feel doesn't change what actually happened between the two of you. 

 Another person's heartbreak isn't yours. You may think it's the same as what you've been through previously but it probably isn't. Everyone is different. You can care about a friend when they get hurt and it can make you angry but, without permission, it isn't your situation to act upon. Whether you believe you're protecting someone or not, you have to keep your feelings to yourself. Similarly, if someone hurt you in the past, it doesn't mean they'll hurt every other person they meet in the exact same way. It's not for you to investigate and drag the details out of people so you can then decide for yourself that you have a right to interfere. Once somebody is out of your life, you don't then have a right to comment upon what goes on in theirs and who they decide to have around. It's quite frankly none of your business. People move on and they grow and they change. Someone you knew 2 years ago could be virtually a stranger now. No one stays the same person forever. 

 This is the hardest thing to accept when someone has hurt you but they have just as much a right to move on with their life as you do. As humans, we are much happier in love. Once that love goes wrong, we are happier when we replace it. Your love went wrong for a reason. Just because you're bitter about it, it doesn't mean they should be punished forever. If you can be happy with somebody else then so should they be no matter what they've done. No matter what you end up feeling for them in the future. 

 My last post was too personal and I should have known it would end badly. There were many issues that happened way in the past that I should have considered, people I should have known I couldn't trust but I hope that who ever reads this now can let go of whatever negative energy they have. Don't let yourself screw up someone's life if they're not still damaging yours. There's no need. It's wasted energy. I'm going to leave you with one of my favourite songs right now: I'll just do me and honey you can just do you.