Learning To Cope With Change.

One thing I have learned over my few years on this planet is that happiness isn't permanent. As much as we wish it could be, it doesn't exist all of the time. Happiness is something we get glimpses of. It's what we make memories out of and we store it picture frames or in a diary or even in scrap books made of Polaroids and train tickets etc. Life is cruel and our snippets of happiness are all we have to get through it. It's a pretty pessimistic outlook to have on life, I know. But it's the only conclusion I have ever come to that seems to make an sense to me. 

 The main cause of emotional pain for me is our lack of control over the people around us. Of course, no one would want to control other people but our lack of influence over the decisions the people we love make leaves us vulnerable. We are open to wounds, human beings aren't physically or mentally bullet proof and there is very little we can do to protect ourselves. Falling in love is something we're programmed to do. Ever since I was a child it was apparent to me that in life you find a partner and you get married and you live happily ever after. Obviously as you grow up you realise things get a little bit more complicated than that and people aren't always the hansom prince you pictured when you were a kid. And it's cruel when you fall for the wrong person. It hurts and you have to put all the little pieces of your broken soul back together again; it's exhausting and painful. 

For me, what is even crueler than this is the stories you hear of people falling for the right person at the wrong time. Falling for someone who is in a completely different stage in their life than you are is the hardest thing. Your opportunities are different. Your time is filled with different priorities and different stresses. No matter how much you want to make it work there are a million little bumps in the road just waiting to trip you up and break you down. Even if you find the right person, they could still leave. If it's the wrong time, they probably will leave. 

 The hardest thing to come to terms with is that it's not you. You can do everything right and love them with every fiber of your being and it still wont be enough because things change, people need to learn and to grow and to travel and sometimes people get left behind. Sadly, no matter how much you love somebody and no matter how much they love you, they have to put their feelings first and yours can't always come into consideration. 

 So where am I going with this... The main thing I want you to take from reading this is that things will change. Even if you think everything is perfect as it is and you could live your whole life the way you are currently living. Things will change. Pieces always fall out of place like the leaves fall off the trees and you lose people, you gain people. People will fall out of love with you and it's not always apparent why. People change their minds. You have to learn to exist as you are. Not alone, just for your individuality and what you can offer. 

 And it's hard. If somebody gave you a huge stone. A massive, strong piece of rock that you thought was indestructible; it's human nature and instinct to pile the rest of your stones on top of it because it can hold the weight and keep everything together. But what happens if someone takes it away again? Your whole life collapses and you have to pick everything up and make sense of it again. What I'm saying is that you have to build up each fragment of your life to stand on its own. Don't plan your future around somebody that you think will always be there. Don't make important choices under that influence. Plan your future around yourself because it's yours. You have to put your feelings first because nobody else will. 

 People need to grow. Sometimes that means that the people closest to you have to disappear for a while. I'm pretty sure than when caterpillars have to build their cocoon and transform themselves, they can't take their friends with them. Or their lovers or whatever. I know they're caterpillars but you get my drift. It doesn't mean you're not loved and that's the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn. People say this all the time but if you love someone you have to let them go. That's so difficult when every natural instinct tells you to cling to whatever makes you happy for dear life and never ever let it go. You have to trust that if it's something you need, it will come back to you. If that person is supposed to be in your life, they will always come back. A line off of my dearest Taylor Swift's new album reads "When you're young you just run but you come back to what you need..." and I think she's right. You always come back to what matters the most. 

 Another lesson I have had to learn is that it is more than okay to hurt. It's alright to not be able to cope with something. It doesn't mean you're not strong. It doesn't mean you can't carry on. It's alright to want someone to stay. It's alright to want to fall to your knees sobbing and beg them not to leave you. It's alright to fall into a melancholic heap on your bathroom floor, bawling your eyes out, listening to Taylor Swift's "Last Kiss" on repeat and ending up with eyes swollen to the size of golf balls to the extent that you cannot put your make up on in the morning. It's alright to want someone to cuddle you to sleep at night. So long as you don't live every second that way. You can't allow other people's choices about their futures destroy yours. 

 You have a future too so set yourself goals. The next few years of my life are going to be the complete opposite of what I expected and so the only goals I'm left with are my A Levels so that's what I have to focus on now. And that's okay. I'm going to be starting at a new college, meeting new people so I get to have a fresh start too. Just with different people than I expected. Instead of focusing on what isn't going to be in your life anymore, think about what will be. Think about all the amazing things you could do. You don't need someone else to exist as yourself. You don't need someone else. 

 Being left behind can leave you with a serious case of Pistanthrophobia and I am no exception to this. That's perfectly okay so long as you can trust yourself. You can't rely on other people to make you happy so learn to laugh on your own. It's totally okay to eat alone in public. It's okay to go for walks alone, or drives, or even sit at school alone. You have to be able to stand on your own to reach your full potential as a human being; once you can do those things alone, it doesn't matter so much when you get left behind. You seem to know how to exist as you are. 

 Despite this feeling of sehnsucht that I will undoubtedly be battling with for a very long time, I don't feel too pessimistic about my future. I know I can get good GCSE results and A Level results which is what I have decided to focus on now. 

 My task for anyone dealing with change is just to imagine the life you want, that doesn't mean imagining what your life was like before the change. Set yourself goals as to what you want to achieve and achieve it. You can do whatever you want in life. If other people can make choices that effect you without considering the impact it will have on you then you must do the same thing. Consider nobody else's happiness but yours. It sounds rather selfish doesn't it? Human beings are selfish but the selfish ones seem to be the happiest from what I've seen. 

 Positive thinking is key when losing somebody. Rather than thinking about what the negative impacts on your life will be, think of the positives. The things you will both be able to experience. Seeing new things, learning new lessons, meeting new people. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, some tunnels are just longer than others. 

 That was a lot to take in. I'll leave you with a picture of a happy alpaca:)