I don't usually write posts like this anywhere on the Internet because I'm not very good at handling the 'you're an attention seeker' comments that you inevitably get from them. If you are reading this and thinking horrible things like that about me as you do, please refrain from judging me until you get to the end because I'm trying to help people and I'm going to round this up in a way that might make people feel better.
As most of you know, I am a musician and on Friday I was supposed to be playing a fairly big gig at a lovely pub about an hours drive from where I live. There were about 200 people there and I was really excited for it because I haven't played a proper gig since the beginning of December because I was poorly over Christmas and had to cancel a gig on the 28th. However; in the car on the way over I had a massive panic attack. It was one of the horrible ones that take forever to actually hit you but I was so focused on trying to stop it that I couldn't tell anyone. It started in my fingers as my hands began to go numb and then, by the time it hit me and I started hyperventilating, my hands and arms were so numb that I couldn't even wiggle my fingers to get the feeling back. Seeing as I had to be at the venue to play at 8 and it was about 7:50 when my parents had to pull over in the car to help me, I couldn't play. I stayed at the venue to watch all the other acts anyway because I wanted to give my support and avoid getting back into the car for as long as possible because being a passenger in a car makes me feel so uncomfortable anyway, especially when I'm feeling anxious.
I'm very conscious of letting people down and I hate feeling like I've been an inconvenience to somebody so I was very apologetic to the lovely guy running the evening. We had a lovely conversation over facebook yesterday where he told me that he recognised my symptoms as soon as he saw me and he admired me for staying to support everyone else. When my parents went to speak to him to tell him I couldn't play they just told him I wasn't feeling well because people tend to freak out as soon as they know someones having a panic attack; knowing that he understood and that he was so supportive really made me feel 100x times better the next day because usually I feel very down for the next few days after an anxiety attack. I feel even worse if it means I have to cancel a gig.
I've been having panic attacks since I was 12. That's 4 years. My parents have known about it for about 8 months. It was about 18 months before I knew what these 'episodes' were and that was only because I saw a video that Zoe Sugg (Zoella) made on YouTube explaining the symptoms of panic attacks and I realised that what she was describing was exactly what I was having. I still didn't tell anyone because I didn't think anyone would believe me. The only reason people know about my anxiety is because I had a panic attack in a drama lesson last spring whilst we were watching a very graphic reenactment of a car crash. I panicked, hyperventilated and ended up passing out from lack of oxygen. It was the most horrific experience of my life; not only because it was happening but because people were watching it happen and I couldn't hide it anymore. But funnily enough, I am kind of thankful for it. Due to not being able to hide it anymore, that meant I had to explain to my classmates what had happened. Obviously, in secondary school, rumours about drama like that spread like wildfire and so I had to talk about it a lot to clear up what people were saying. (Some people thought I had been possessed by the devil. I still don't really understand that one either.) Furthermore, from having to talk to people about what actually happened, more and more people said to me that it had happened to them too. For the first time I didn't feel weird. I'm not weird.
I now have friends that I know suffer from anxiety too. There's this one girl that always talks to me about her panic attacks after she's had them and I talk to her about mine too. One thing I've found really helps me is to explain what happened to my body and when. Like I have done here, I wrote that I lost the feeling in my fingers first and then my whole arms. It really helps to try to remember what happened to your body and what you did to feel better. It helps you come to terms with whatever triggered the attack.
In this post I've talked a lot about cars and how uncomfortable I feel in them. Also, my major panic attack was triggered by watching a car crash happen. You're probably thinking I was in some kind of accident and I'm having panic attacks due to the trauma I experienced. You're wrong. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. That's the one thing I struggle the most with now. After 4 years, actually having the attacks isn't the worst part for me. I've gotten used to the fact that they are a part of my life and I know how to breathe and how to recover. The worst part for me is not knowing why. I hate not knowing why I'm scared of cars. I hate not knowing why I don't like meeting new people or why I don't like ordering my own food in restaurants. I hate not knowing why I don't like leaving the house by myself or why I hate staying over at friends houses. I hate not knowing why the idea of flying on a plane makes my palms sweat. It's so hard to understand anxiety when you don't know why you're scared of those things. Some people do suffer from anxiety because of a traumatic event but some people just suffer from anxiety. It's vitally important to understand people's triggers and be respectful of them because we're not all the same.
The last thing I want to write about is just to not punish yourself for you anxiety. Like I mentioned before: I always feel really down for days after I have a panic attack for a multitude of reasons. However, I've come to the conclusion recently that I deserve to be comfortable with my anxiety. It's bad enough that I have to sacrifice the minutes that I'm having the attacks and the evenings or days afterwards that I feel anxious for. I shouldn't have to feel like I can't carry on as normal just because I've had a panic attack. I often wonder why the attack sticks in your mind for so long after it happens. Aside from the fact that they're pretty traumatic, why does it take so long to let go of the individual attack?
My goal for the next time I suffer from an anxiety attack is to try to let go as quickly as possible and just carry on. I'm going to let myself laugh and not think that I have to sit and be depressed for a few days just because I've had that horrible experience.
If you suffer from anxiety too, whether its actual panic attacks or whether you suffer from stress and worry, please comment below your stories if you feel like you want to share them or even you're coping strategies. The main thing I want you to take from this post is that it really does help to talk about it. I'm so thankful that I know so many people that are going through the same thing but I know often people don't so if you want to share your experiences anonymously, please do not hesitate to message me on tumblr on anonymous and tell me your story: www.chloehanksmusic.tumblr.com and I will help as much as I can! :)
Have a lovely day, Chloe x.
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