The Girl On The Train

My mother and I had to take several train journeys in order to get my dress for my prom next month. One one of these journeys this girl got on the same train as us and sat opposite us because there were no seats. At first I was a bit annoyed because she was one of those people that talk very loudly on their phone the whole way there; moreover, it was rather hard not to take notice of her. It sounds creepy but she was incredible. She had this style and this unique character and I was literally in awe from the second she got on the train. 

 She had clearly perfected the 70's hippy look. She had the flared trousers that didn't look tacky at all. She owned it. Her hair was this gorgeous wavy blonde that was then dip died a bright, fiery red and she had the most amazing shade of red lipstick on to match. Her skin was flawless. She had these mesmerising dream catcher earings and the feathers  came right down to the bottom of her hair. Her nails were filed into perfect points and they were also bright red. I said to my mum as soon as we got off the train, "she looked amazing" and she had to agree. 

 I have no idea why I remember this girl so vividly or why I even took that much notice. I figure it was her individuality. She wasn't the kind of girl you'd see in the fashion magazines or on a cat walk yet she was stunning and her whole image was on point. 

 Since that journey I've looked all over the internet for a pair of earings like hers. I've been desperate to dip die my hair some wacky but awesome colour. I've wanted to wear clothes I wouldn't usually wear. Because of this, I've come to a conclusion that I've never really considered before. I'm desperate to be anybody besides who I actually am. 

 I don't know why, and I'm certain I'm not the only one but I'm fascinated by other people yet completely disheartened by myself. It's as if my insecurities are caused by my own critique and it's almost like a never ending cycle. I spend way too much time looking at other people's instagram accounts and feeling like I'm not good enough because I'm not them. But why am I not happy enough with myself?

 I don't understand why I worry about this so much or why the girl on the train had such a massive influence on the way I see myself but I'd just love to be that girl. I'd love to have a style that nobody else had and just be so comfortable with who I am that it doesn't matter if someone doesn't adore me because I'd adore myself. I think that's everyone's goal really. I don't know how close I am to achieving it but I know that since having this realisation, I've become more eager to find out who I am. 

 I know I'm a feminist. I know what colours I like wearing and what makeup I like to do. I know I love writing. I know that I love music. I know that I hate inequality and I also am sure that I'm passionate. But I have no idea what to do with these things and what good they will do me. It's a scary place to be in but also really interesting. I know that the person I am now is completely different to the person I was a year ago and I know the person I will be a year from now will be completely different to this version of myself. I know that I can use pain to drive me forwards. I think you need to realise these things to become happy enough within yourself to continue because I no longer feel like I'm drifting because I know that I matter and that I'm worth it. For the first time I don't feel like I need anybody to prove that to me. 

 I'm not sure how this post ended up where it did. I just needed to write something and see where it went.