I'd love to write a book someday...

It would almost seem tragically pointless for me to write about my life at 17 years old when I haven't even lived yet. I need to have something to write about, some kind of awesome story to tell that's worth sharing in order to provide some kind of insight or drive for people to carry on living through pain or nihilism or any other kind of lack of faith. As a writer, I do feel I can call myself a writer seeing as I am studying the art and creativity of words and also seeing as I'm sat alone in Starbucks drinking a lukewarm Caramel Latte, writing in a notebook to get inspiration, as a writer, I feel pressure to always twist whatever I have to say to be inspirational or even to say something life changing to make people grateful that they read my blog that day, or to justify why they should do so or even to make sure they carry on visiting and reading about an emotional 17 year old.
 I definitely feel like the best version of myself right now. Before I changed schools, I would watch people. I justify this by using the "I'm a writer, I have to watch people for ideas" excuse but really I'm just a bit nosey and insecure. I was so unhappy with myself at 16. I wanted desperately to be like the older and richer girls at my school who always had amazing clothes and makeup. It got so out of hand that I considered blowing all of the money I had religiously been saving to learn to drive on a new iPhone so that I could take HD selfies and upload them to Instagram like these girls did and feel beautiful. I thought that's what I had to do to feel beautiful.
 I have since finished GCSEs and left the school I hated and with that the girls I hated. I got my heart broken and through that summer I busked for money for all of my college requirements and more savings to go towards driving. I made my mum and younger sister come with me on a trip to Birmingham so I could buy nice clothes for college and pretty notebooks etc. If I'm honest, it's because I wanted girls to look at me the way I used to look at other girls. I wanted them to like me - I thought that's what it meant to be liked. I am grateful to my 16 year old self for one thing: when in Birmingham, I fought every urge to turn myself into one of those girls. As a result, completely by accident, I turned into myself. My inner Chloe power was too strong. I came home with clothes that looked like me, in the sense that they suited me and I felt like myself in them. I have heeled boots that click on the floor as I walk and they make me feel tall despite the fact that I'm a little over 5ft and struggle opening some heavy doors. I also came home with more stationary than I could ever need but it makes everyone think I've got my shit together, it's great!
 At secondary school I was so suppressed. Not just by the uniform and the lack of permission we had to be who we really are but by myself and my own insecurity.
 Being at a college to do A Levels is different. I have so much freedom that it makes me do better at my academic work and the activities that make me into myself. Looking back, school was definitely like a prison. Yet here I am, belonging to no institution like I did before. I'm not defined by a uniform or a building, I've been allowed to shape and reshape and flourish, literally in a couple of months. I can go and get coffee in my free periods because that's what I like to do. I can just sit and write for hours and then get graded on it and it's recognised as a talent and a form of intelligence.
 I don't dread waking up in the morning. That's so sad to admit: I used to be in pain waking up each day. In the pit of my stomach was this knot and I just knew I wouldn't have a good day. I actually miss college when I don't have to be there. I miss the people and I miss being able to be the best version of myself.
 When I left school I wrote a post explaining why I wanted to leave and that by leaving I was giving myself "my best chance." And I really have.
 I fell asleep the other night thinking to myself, "I'm actually a pretty cool person." At this point, I have 16.3K followers on instagram. Not because I brought an expensive Iphone and not because I'm making myself into the girls I used to envy, but because I find taking pictures therapeutic. I never post "flawless selfies" because it's not really who I am. I walk around with awesome outfits that didn't cost loads of money but they make me feel good.
 I am confident enough to sit alone in coffee shops and write blog posts and poetry because it clears my head and keeps me sane. I hated being 16. I was never good enough, not for anyone else but for myself. I do feel much older now despite having been 17 for 2 months. I'm really finding myself and I'm loving myself. All of the pieces have just fit back together and the picture is better than ever. I'm getting my lost love back, I'm not so dependent on others. I thought my sudden happiness was due to people coming back into my life but in reality I think it's been here a lot longer than I thought.

 I'd love to write a book about my life someday. I think blogging posts like this are a good way to document my life and struggles so far. I have a lot more to say at 17 than I realised.

Pray For Paris

I'm writing this on my phone. There's been no real drafting or proof reading etc. like I usually do with my posts. I'm not going to write any philosophical answers to the worlds problems as I feel like that would be an insult to the people working hard to restore as much peace as possible and to try to be clever and right in telling people how to pay respects would be rude and innapropriate. What I would like to say is this: as someone who finds it unpleasant and plainly scary to watch the news, I have been, in the worst way, captivated by the headlines oveer the last 24 hours. As a blogger I felt like I had to write something. I experienced genuine fear today I think for the first time in my life. I've had panic attacks but this was different. Sat safe in my home in a separate country to where these attacks took place with my family safe around me, I felt fear. Partly because I'm not stupid and I know Britain could well be next on the list but more so for people that I've never even met. Reading stories of how people pretended to be dead next to the bodies of their loved ones. That's fucking terrifying. I've been to concerts with my boyfriend. That could easily have been us if they had chosen a different target. I was about to turn 3 when 9/11 happened and today I selfishly thanked my stars that I was so young because I dread to think of the fear the world experienced that day. It's tragic that it takes times like these to unite us but it's ironically beautiful to see: people comforting strangers, crying for lives they may never meet, feeling relief over survivors whose faces flash on a tv screen never to be seen by our eyes again. Whatever happens as a result of this senseless tragedy cannot change the one thing we gain which is our unity and I hope we can hold onto that. 

 Stay safe and stay united, these people thrive off of fear and isolation. If you find comfort in praying then pray, if you feel helpless and like all you have to offer is changing your facebook picture to one of French colours then do so. The one thing all of our gestures have in common is that Paris is in our thoughts and that is important. Instead of critisising how others pay respects, pehaps we should realise that we need to stand together in every possible way, including how we discuss this tragedy online. 

 My thoughts are with the ones left in the turmoil, with the lives cut too short and my respect goes out to all who have been touched in a way in which makes us stronger as a nation. In a world of war it's up to us to show them love.

Autumn

The last six months have been some of the hardest, most painful of my life so far. I didn't ever consider what I would do should a reach a point like this in my life; I didn't know it was even possible to feel the way I have felt. I have written about it and processed it in my own way but as the life drained from the tips of the trees leaving crisp, auburn and burning colour, something shifted. Perhaps only pathetic fallacy, but the colours and beauty and magic seemed to awaken this simple idea within my own mind and imagination. It was this idea of new beginnings, of cycles and patterns; not of endings but of changes. So much has changed, it's still changing; my attitudes, my habits and thought processes. I am still myself but I am different, just as the bare trees are still the same ones that once were bursting at the tips of their branches with life, hope, science and colour. I don't chase things that are moving too quickly. I don't force myself into shapes that I know I can't fit into. I've become a version of myself that I love more than ever before. No one can love you like you love yourself. It isn't a form of vanity or arrogance but confidence and inner strength and respect. The worst part wasn't losing someone else, but losing me; it was written all over me, in the way I moved and the way I spoke. I felt as though everyone could see it, that I was heartbroken. It was like they were looking at me waiting for me to fall to pieces at their feet.They looked at me with pity, not sympathy. Yet I pulled myself back and now I just feel clean. 

 Music has helped heal me so many times before, not just the beauty of it and the art behind it but more so the words and the way of story telling. I've made myself listen to Clean by Taylor Swift every day for the last six months. One of the most powerful lyrics I've ever heard is "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it." That told me that it was okay, being in pain was okay. I wasn't taking steps back every time I thought of him, it was all part of the process. I knew it was alright to want to cry and to feel like the life was just draining out of me just like the ghosts and skeletons of the summer left outside waiting to be revived in the spring time. My colours faded but they will come back. I can still feel the pain and the anger like the burnt orange leaves at my feet - but it isn't a part of me anymore. I feel like it's a complete separate thing. It's fallen off of me and I can leave it behind now even if I can still see it in my rear view mirror. It doesn't define me anymore. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am still breathing and even if I feel bare and numb and empty, I have a purpose and a future. I will grow new leaves once I can get through a cold, bitter winter and I could even love new people. I can be exactly who I want to be and I can do it for myself. I don't need to be anything for anyone else. I think I am finally clean. 
 This post is mainly pictures because I've found taking photographs to be fairly therapeutic especially when outside is looking so colourful. I hope you can find comfort in everyday things and learn to appreciate what you have as opposed to longing for what you don't. 

My Journal

I've been thinking of writing a post like this for a couple of months now; since we've reached one of my favourite times of year and everything feels a little bit more cosy, now seems like the perfect time. So as I snuggle down in my favourite jumper with a blanket to write this post I'm wondering where to start with explaining why I think keeping journals is so important for keeping a happy, healthy mind. As a child I always wrote diaries. In fact, I'm quite proud (and obviously horrified and embarrassed) of the fact that my six year old self wrote extremely detailed and eloquent entries considering the age. I was always good at writing so it doesn't seem that shocking when I look back; however, just the fact that I had such a clear understanding of my feelings at that age seems quite strange when I think back. 

 Oddly enough, once I actually got to the age where I needed to have a clear understanding of my feelings, I seemed to just fall out of the habit of writing them down. In fact, I didn't even keep a diary of events from the age of about 11+. I assume this was because I simply didn't have the time anymore to write in depth in journals and also, more obviously, because I found songwriting as an alternative. Subconsciously, I have always advocated that writing things down is the best way to deal with feelings; when being involved with different kinds of relationships, I've always said when people come to me with problems: "Have you written about it?" As a songwriter and just a writer in general, this always seemed like a logical thing to me. I didn't realise that not everyone writes as an outlet because it had become to natural to me in songwriting that I didn't even realise I was doing it myself. 

 So I suppose, the transition from writing in diaries to writing songs gave me such a natural open minded approach to sharing feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't really think much to saying exactly what I'm feeling. I put all my cards down, always. In fact, sometimes I will just write huge letters to people, pouring my heart out to people who have hurt me or whatever and actually feel comfortable with sending them. I am fully aware that some people will find that uncomfortable but the people who get to know me know that that's just how I I deal with things. I'm not a great speaker, but I'm a natural writer. And do you know what? It helps! I've managed to mend so many broken relationships through writing about my feelings, whether I send it or not. 

 It occurred to me eventually that wearing your heart on your sleeve is only safe for so long. There's only so many times you can confess your feelings to somebody before it starts to lose it's meaning, it's direct effects. But there's still so much left to say sometimes. That's when I realised what I had tragically lost in how my writing had grown with me: I don't write for myself anymore. I'd been writing to entertain people and to fix people and to encourage people but for years it had never been to help myself. So I wen't out and a brought myself a journal- the first journal I had even held for about 6 years. The reason I call it a journal and not a diary is because it's not really consistently me writing out my exact actions and feelings. It's full of so many different things: Letters to people that I'm not so comfortable sharing with them, poems and lyric ideas, lists of things that have made me smile. All sorts of things. When I was little, I used to write as if someone was going to read my diary so I'd explain things so they could understand. I don't really do that anymore, because it's just for myself. I write about people who have made me angry or upset and I just focus on why rather than telling the whole story; and I have to say I feel so much healthier for it. 

 Writing a journal hasn't just helped me avoid the awkward "I miss you" texts to my ex that I will instantly regret, but it's helped me avoid getting suppressed and confused by my own thoughts and feelings. And it's helped me notice when I'm getting happier. Recently, I haven't been reaching for my journal to write letters as much as I was 2 months ago because I'm running out of things to miss and things to want. I can notice now how much easier things are getting and I'm so thankful that I made myself do this because it's so uplifting to know I saved myself. I suppose the reason I wanted to write about this is because I think everyone should have a journal, whether you're a writer or not. It's not for anybody else it's for yourself. Moreover, if you are somebody that has a lot of feelings you need to have an outlet for that. It's not healthy at all to keep suppressing feelings because you feel like nobody is listening, you don't always need to have a person to talk to in order to talk things through. 

 My journal is from WHSmiths and it has a running theme of travelling. The cover is a world map and running through the pages are quotations based on journeys and travelling. I suppose the idea of this was that you could use it to write about your experiences travelling the world; however, I was drawn to it because I felt like each quote would encourage me to continue documenting everything and to keep going. I have so many books like this that have quotes in them so if you're having a bad day you can just open up to a random page and feel a bit comforted. Words have so much power within our everyday lives; if you find you struggle like I have done with having too many words in your head, try writing about them. It really does help. 

Life Update

Between painting my nails and writing endless amounts of poetry, I decided to just write one of my chatty little 'lifey' posts because I haven't really just talked to you guys in ages. 

 I have recently started sixth form at a new college which I love. You all know how much I absolutely hated school to the point where I was riddled with anxiety every evening and morning just at the thought of going. Somehow I managed to leave with 1 C, 6 Bs and 4 As in my GCSE's which I was so proud of after being so miserable for 5 years. I have always been a dedicated learner and student; I want to do well. So I knew I could afford to take a risk when moving schools because I was dedicated enough to make sure I succeeded. I'm so glad I moved. So so glad. This way I get to make sure that I enjoy the next two years of my life as opposed to being miserable. 

 When I picked up my GCSE grades I had two of the senior members of staff beg me to stay which was the most satisfying moment of my life. Once particularly pompous teacher, who had previously insulted me in a rather obvious, sexest manor the year before, stated how he thought I would have been one to stay. How ignorant adults can be to their lack of respect for pupils?

 I'm studying three subjects at A Level: Creative Writing, English Literature and History. I'm either going to study Journalism or Songwriting at University depending on how I do and where I chose to go (If i can afford uni.) 

 Music is going really well. I've stopped really caring about what reception I have. After spending 70% of my 12 weeks off school busking for driving lesson funds, I have a new respect for the music I make. It's me. I put all of myself into it and so I don't mind making a video for a hundred views when others get thousands because I know it's the best I can do. I love performing my music but I don't think I could handle that as a career. I think being famous would drive me crazy... there's no way I could ever handle it! I love the idea of writing songs as a living though. I love doing that so much! And if I could study it so I'm better at writing on demand it would be incredible. 

 In terms of my future, I'm trying to keep my mind pretty clear at the moment. As we all know from recent posts: I made the mistake over the last year of planning my entire life around one person and then it all fell apart when that one person who promised to always stay left. So I have this little plan for myself. I want to get education done and hopefully get a pretty decent job as a writer. Maybe I could even work from home giving me freedom away from a workplace. I want to rent a little flat in Stratford because I love it there and that's where I gig the most. Nothing fancy, just somewhere that's mine. I don't want to move straight in with a boyfriend. I'd rather know I can survive by myself first. Then a man can slot into my life comfortably rather than me slotting into theirs when they're my whole world. Once I leave the nest I don't ever want to have to come back.

 I've just painted my nails in the Barry M Rose Hip gelly nail polish and my whole body is covered in henna. I have built up a sixth form wardrobe that I love and feel confident in. I have these amazing heeled ankle boots that make my feet do the clicky heel thing when I walk on hard floor which makes me feel so grown up! I get to write poetry and stories as part of school and I get free periods every day which mean I can walk around the town I love with new friends that make me feel accepted. 

 I'm really starting to feel like who I am is good enough. 

Mind Your Own Biscuits And Life Will Be Gravy.

It's been a little while since I posted anything on here for a couple of reasons. After my last post (now deleted) I felt a bit wary of logging into my blog and checking things out because I was afraid, and rightly so as it turns out, of the consequences. My reasons for writing that post were simply to get out some really negative feelings and explain why the tone of my recent posts had been fairly melancholic. I expected to have horrible comments: people telling me to keep it inside or that no one really cares, all those regular, generic internet comments. What I didn't expect from telling you the story of mine and my ex boyfriend's split was for someone who used to be in his life to use and manipulate my trust and that post for their own personal gain. The thing is, he's still somebody that I care about and love deeply for reasons that I do not have to justify to anybody and it makes me sick that I allowed someone to use this blog to hurt him. 

 It made me want to write a little something about forgiveness. 

 We all make mistakes. Every single day people do things they shouldn't do and say things they shouldn't say. We're human, it's what we do. Some mistakes are bigger than others and so the consequences vary depending on the extent of the damage. It's easy to take out anger on people when they hurt us, it's much harder to forgive somebody. Forgiveness is something we have every single right to go back on. But you can not go back on your forgiveness and expect to be able to take out the same consequences on the person who wronged you. People change. People learn from mistakes. The person who hurt you years ago isn't the same person today. They've changed and they've grown. You can't expect to be able to hold them accountable for something they may have regretted and changed about themselves when they aren't the person who made that mistake anymore. This is my personal opinion and you don't have to agree with me, I am aware there are some circumstances where you can't forget what someone has done to you. But when you know it wasn't their fault and have accepted that, when you know they weren't being malicious in their actions you can not rewrite history and decide all of a sudden the circumstances were different and they are actually a bad person. The circumstances in which you allowed them to believe there were no hard feelings hasn't changed, you changing your mind on how you feel doesn't change what actually happened between the two of you. 

 Another person's heartbreak isn't yours. You may think it's the same as what you've been through previously but it probably isn't. Everyone is different. You can care about a friend when they get hurt and it can make you angry but, without permission, it isn't your situation to act upon. Whether you believe you're protecting someone or not, you have to keep your feelings to yourself. Similarly, if someone hurt you in the past, it doesn't mean they'll hurt every other person they meet in the exact same way. It's not for you to investigate and drag the details out of people so you can then decide for yourself that you have a right to interfere. Once somebody is out of your life, you don't then have a right to comment upon what goes on in theirs and who they decide to have around. It's quite frankly none of your business. People move on and they grow and they change. Someone you knew 2 years ago could be virtually a stranger now. No one stays the same person forever. 

 This is the hardest thing to accept when someone has hurt you but they have just as much a right to move on with their life as you do. As humans, we are much happier in love. Once that love goes wrong, we are happier when we replace it. Your love went wrong for a reason. Just because you're bitter about it, it doesn't mean they should be punished forever. If you can be happy with somebody else then so should they be no matter what they've done. No matter what you end up feeling for them in the future. 

 My last post was too personal and I should have known it would end badly. There were many issues that happened way in the past that I should have considered, people I should have known I couldn't trust but I hope that who ever reads this now can let go of whatever negative energy they have. Don't let yourself screw up someone's life if they're not still damaging yours. There's no need. It's wasted energy. I'm going to leave you with one of my favourite songs right now: I'll just do me and honey you can just do you. 

Back To School | Sixth Form Clothing Haul.

The very three words nobody wants to hear. It always comes around much sooner than we're ready for but this year I was very prepared. It's three weeks now until I begin my A Level courses at a new college and my friends begin sixth form at my old school, I went shopping last week as the last few weeks of my summer holiday are very busy and it was the only free time I had. I thought it would be a good idea to share with you the things that I brought to give you ideas on what kind of things you might want to wear to sixth form. 

 Seeing as I'm going to a college, there aren't any uniform rules and so I can really get away with wearing whatever I want. Consequently, some of the clothes I brought you may not be able to copy because of various regulations that you have to follow; however, this will hopefully give you an idea of what kind of clothes shops are selling and how to style them etc. As you can tell from this post, I am a big fan of khaki greens and midi dresses. One thing my college wardrobe is missing is a few comfy sweatshirts/jumpers but because of the time of year I couldn't get hold of any. Obviously this is a wardrobe I will be adding to throughout the next few months. 

 I decided to take a trip to the bullring in Birmingham for the day because, due to my awkward size, I don't really trust ordering online much because nothing ever fits, so I needed to try things on and the bullring is home to all of the clothing shops I love most. I checked out some higher end shops such as Top Shop and Miss Selfridge first because despite being more on the pricey side, they're some of the only shops to do a petite ranging stocking a size 4 which is my size. Usually I have to buy things in a size 6 and sew myself into them. 

 So firstly from Miss Selfridge I picked up this dress that I have had my eye on for a little while. Unsurprisingly it's in a khaki green shade and I loved the isometric cut out design. The only downside is one section reveals a little more of the bra area than is comfortable and so I had to invest in a khaki green bra as well to avoid any embarrassing incidents. This cost £25. I don't mind buying midi dresses from more expensive shops because a dress is like a whole outfit rather than partnering trousers and a top which can cost a lot more. Secondly from Miss Selfridge I picked up another midi dress. Every girl needs a little black dress in her wardrobe and so I fell in love with this one; again it reveals a lot of the bra area so I need to get a strapless bra to wear with this one. Again this was £25 from the petite section. 

 Afterwards I went into H&M. I absolutely love it in there because they have such a wide range of stuff and it is so reasonably priced. Firstly I fell in love with this Khaki Green shirt. I really wanted to find a loose shirt I could wear comfortably with black jeans so when I saw this it stole my heart as it is in my favourite fashion colour. It cost £14.99 and I think it's going to be one of my favourites. It has stunning lace detail at the back and is so comfortable. 



Next I spotted this little black skater skirt. I grabbed it in the smallest size but it's still too big for me around the waist but I can easily stitch it to fit properly. This one cost £12.99 and could easily be partnered with a simple T-Shirt or something a bit more fancy. 
 Another Khaki Green number I grabbed in H&M was this simple and comfortable skater dress for £12.99. It's made from the loveliest material. It feels such good quality and is so nice to wear. 


Lastly from H&M I picked up this lace top. Unfortunately it's see through and so I have to wear a white vest underneath. This would look a lot better with a pair of black jeans with the under vest tucked in so you cannot see it. This was also £12.99.

 H&M is a very good place to shop if you have a lower budget because I bought double the items for the same price that I paid in Miss Selfridge earlier on. 

I then popped into TopShop on the hunt for another pair of black jeans. I absolutely love wearing black jeans and I find that TopShop's sizes fit me better than anywhere else in terms of jeans so they seemed like my best bet. This pair of jeans came to £36.00. I also got the same orange T-Shirt from the petite section. It looked like a really comfortable material and would be lovely just for a casual, comfortable outfit so I picked it up for £14.00. It also styles well with the black skater skirt I got from H&M.



When I was 13 I loved shopping in Forever 21 but obviously I had a very low budget then so found it a bit expensive. I was pleasantly surprised when I popped in last Monday and found that the prices are actually a lot better than I remembered. The first item I fell in love with was a bit more on the pricey side but it was so pretty I couldn't resist. For £18 I bought this beautiful coral pink lace shirt with pretty flower detailing. I love it so much I can already tell it's going to be a favourite. It will look lovely with a pair of either black or white jeans.

 Next I picked up this lovely turtle neck jumper. It's quite thin but will be perfect for a colder day or just a comfy outfit if I don't feel like dressing up much. It was an absolute bargain at £8.



Lastly, I grabbed this lace Bardot for £9.50. Thankfully, this one isnt see through and could be partnered with jeans or my black skater skirt.







Finally, I popped into New Look due to having about 40 minutes to kill before the train home. I already knew I needed some warmer jumpers to add to my collection so when I spotted this I knew I needed to get it. It's this lovely comfy woolen cardigan. It has a black woven belt around the middle if you want to tie it up and it hangs really loosely. It is also Khaki Green which sold me! It came to £22.99 and was definitely worth queuing for 25 minutes because obviously when it's really busy you only need one cashier out of ten open.




Once I got home I had about £50 left from what I saved so I decided to have a browse on my favourite online fashion shop BooHoo.com just to see if anything caught my eye. The first thing I put in my basket was the Petite Darcy Printed BodyCon dress. I've had my eye on this for a while but never had a reason to buy it before. It's such a beautiful colour and design and was only £12.00.

I also loved the look of this Petite Melissa Gypsy Lace Sleeve dress which will be so cute during the first few weeks when it's still sunny and later on in the academic year when spring comes back around. This was also £12.00.





I also had to get this Camen Collared Bodycon dress simply because it has a collar and I love little dresses with collars. This is such a cute dress and was also £12.00.









 I also liked the look of this Petite Charlotte Slinky Cross Front Bralet; however, it comes up a lot higher on me than it did the model so I'm not sure if it's college appropriate but I love it all the same. It was only £8.

Congratulations if you made it to the end of this post. It's probably the longest I have ever written! I hope this has helped you somewhat if you're unsure of what to buy for school or college and good luck next week upon getting you results!