It would almost seem tragically pointless for me to write about my life at 17 years old when I haven't even lived yet. I need to have something to write about, some kind of awesome story to tell that's worth sharing in order to provide some kind of insight or drive for people to carry on living through pain or nihilism or any other kind of lack of faith. As a writer, I do feel I can call myself a writer seeing as I am studying the art and creativity of words and also seeing as I'm sat alone in Starbucks drinking a lukewarm Caramel Latte, writing in a notebook to get inspiration, as a writer, I feel pressure to always twist whatever I have to say to be inspirational or even to say something life changing to make people grateful that they read my blog that day, or to justify why they should do so or even to make sure they carry on visiting and reading about an emotional 17 year old.
I definitely feel like the best version of myself right now. Before I changed schools, I would watch people. I justify this by using the "I'm a writer, I have to watch people for ideas" excuse but really I'm just a bit nosey and insecure. I was so unhappy with myself at 16. I wanted desperately to be like the older and richer girls at my school who always had amazing clothes and makeup. It got so out of hand that I considered blowing all of the money I had religiously been saving to learn to drive on a new iPhone so that I could take HD selfies and upload them to Instagram like these girls did and feel beautiful. I thought that's what I had to do to feel beautiful.
I have since finished GCSEs and left the school I hated and with that the girls I hated. I got my heart broken and through that summer I busked for money for all of my college requirements and more savings to go towards driving. I made my mum and younger sister come with me on a trip to Birmingham so I could buy nice clothes for college and pretty notebooks etc. If I'm honest, it's because I wanted girls to look at me the way I used to look at other girls. I wanted them to like me - I thought that's what it meant to be liked. I am grateful to my 16 year old self for one thing: when in Birmingham, I fought every urge to turn myself into one of those girls. As a result, completely by accident, I turned into myself. My inner Chloe power was too strong. I came home with clothes that looked like me, in the sense that they suited me and I felt like myself in them. I have heeled boots that click on the floor as I walk and they make me feel tall despite the fact that I'm a little over 5ft and struggle opening some heavy doors. I also came home with more stationary than I could ever need but it makes everyone think I've got my shit together, it's great!
At secondary school I was so suppressed. Not just by the uniform and the lack of permission we had to be who we really are but by myself and my own insecurity.
Being at a college to do A Levels is different. I have so much freedom that it makes me do better at my academic work and the activities that make me into myself. Looking back, school was definitely like a prison. Yet here I am, belonging to no institution like I did before. I'm not defined by a uniform or a building, I've been allowed to shape and reshape and flourish, literally in a couple of months. I can go and get coffee in my free periods because that's what I like to do. I can just sit and write for hours and then get graded on it and it's recognised as a talent and a form of intelligence.
I don't dread waking up in the morning. That's so sad to admit: I used to be in pain waking up each day. In the pit of my stomach was this knot and I just knew I wouldn't have a good day. I actually miss college when I don't have to be there. I miss the people and I miss being able to be the best version of myself.
When I left school I wrote a post explaining why I wanted to leave and that by leaving I was giving myself "my best chance." And I really have.
I fell asleep the other night thinking to myself, "I'm actually a pretty cool person." At this point, I have 16.3K followers on instagram. Not because I brought an expensive Iphone and not because I'm making myself into the girls I used to envy, but because I find taking pictures therapeutic. I never post "flawless selfies" because it's not really who I am. I walk around with awesome outfits that didn't cost loads of money but they make me feel good.
I am confident enough to sit alone in coffee shops and write blog posts and poetry because it clears my head and keeps me sane. I hated being 16. I was never good enough, not for anyone else but for myself. I do feel much older now despite having been 17 for 2 months. I'm really finding myself and I'm loving myself. All of the pieces have just fit back together and the picture is better than ever. I'm getting my lost love back, I'm not so dependent on others. I thought my sudden happiness was due to people coming back into my life but in reality I think it's been here a lot longer than I thought.
I'd love to write a book about my life someday. I think blogging posts like this are a good way to document my life and struggles so far. I have a lot more to say at 17 than I realised.
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