Autumn

The last six months have been some of the hardest, most painful of my life so far. I didn't ever consider what I would do should a reach a point like this in my life; I didn't know it was even possible to feel the way I have felt. I have written about it and processed it in my own way but as the life drained from the tips of the trees leaving crisp, auburn and burning colour, something shifted. Perhaps only pathetic fallacy, but the colours and beauty and magic seemed to awaken this simple idea within my own mind and imagination. It was this idea of new beginnings, of cycles and patterns; not of endings but of changes. So much has changed, it's still changing; my attitudes, my habits and thought processes. I am still myself but I am different, just as the bare trees are still the same ones that once were bursting at the tips of their branches with life, hope, science and colour. I don't chase things that are moving too quickly. I don't force myself into shapes that I know I can't fit into. I've become a version of myself that I love more than ever before. No one can love you like you love yourself. It isn't a form of vanity or arrogance but confidence and inner strength and respect. The worst part wasn't losing someone else, but losing me; it was written all over me, in the way I moved and the way I spoke. I felt as though everyone could see it, that I was heartbroken. It was like they were looking at me waiting for me to fall to pieces at their feet.They looked at me with pity, not sympathy. Yet I pulled myself back and now I just feel clean. 

 Music has helped heal me so many times before, not just the beauty of it and the art behind it but more so the words and the way of story telling. I've made myself listen to Clean by Taylor Swift every day for the last six months. One of the most powerful lyrics I've ever heard is "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it." That told me that it was okay, being in pain was okay. I wasn't taking steps back every time I thought of him, it was all part of the process. I knew it was alright to want to cry and to feel like the life was just draining out of me just like the ghosts and skeletons of the summer left outside waiting to be revived in the spring time. My colours faded but they will come back. I can still feel the pain and the anger like the burnt orange leaves at my feet - but it isn't a part of me anymore. I feel like it's a complete separate thing. It's fallen off of me and I can leave it behind now even if I can still see it in my rear view mirror. It doesn't define me anymore. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am still breathing and even if I feel bare and numb and empty, I have a purpose and a future. I will grow new leaves once I can get through a cold, bitter winter and I could even love new people. I can be exactly who I want to be and I can do it for myself. I don't need to be anything for anyone else. I think I am finally clean. 
 This post is mainly pictures because I've found taking photographs to be fairly therapeutic especially when outside is looking so colourful. I hope you can find comfort in everyday things and learn to appreciate what you have as opposed to longing for what you don't.