What I Got For Christmas 2015

I should begin this post by saying Happy New Year to all of my readers and I hope you all had wonderful Christmases. Of course, it's not about the gifts and it's not about receiving and I feel like I need to acknowledge that this is undoubtedly going to be a controversial post simply because a lot of people may see this as me showing off. I want to make it very clear that I am in no way trying to show off. For the many of you that follow several bloggers/vloggers, you will know that this is a very common video/blog that people make to say thank you and to appreciate the things we have been given and how lucky we are. If you're not as familiar with the idea of this and depict this as me showing off, feel free to click elsewhere and read a different post. 

I mainly asked for books this Christmas because I've been struggling with keeping up my reading schedule which is a very bad thing for me due to the fact that I need to read as much as I can to perform well in my A Level courses. As a result of this, I needed to select books that I wouldn't usually select for myself. A few of the books I got were recommendations from various people, I then put these titles into Amazon and also wrote down randomly titles of other books that were recommended by Amazon based on my searches. The two shown in the picture are Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn and Grief Is The Thing With Feathers by Max Porter. I am in the middle of Gone Girl right now and I'm absolutely loving it! 

 Another thing I was really excited about trying was the adult colouring books. I have always loved colouring and I find it really therapeutic and a great way of relieving stress and so the idea of getting adult colouring books and having it be socially acceptable for me to admit I love colouring seemed like a good idea! The one shown in the picture is butterfly and blossoms themed and I also got a Harry Potter themed one from my younger sister and an Enchanted Forest book as well as colouring pencils. 

 Aside from books, I asked for the Breville Blend Active blender with a built in cup (basically a much cheaper version of the nutri-bullet) which I'm so excited to use. I struggle with eating enough fruit and so by buying frozen fruit and yogurt to make smoothies, I can hopefully make sure I get enough fruit in my body which will hopefully make me and my skin feel a lot better. 

 My main present I absolutely love and have worn so much already. The picture doesn't show it very clearly because it is so small but it's the Libra model of Anna Saccone's Zodiac necklace range. It is made from silver and plated in 18 karrat rose gold and it's absolutely stunning. I've received so many compliments about it. It's a perfect, simple yet personal piece especially for people who are really into zodiac signs. 

 If you follow me on instagram, you'll understand the next couple of presents I received. I got Roller Lash mascara by Benefit and Better Than Sex by Too Faced because I have really short eyelashes that struggle to hold curl. They never show up in pictures and it's so annoying and so I've really wanted to try these two mascaras because they get great reviews. I've been quite impressed with both of them and so I'll do reviews on them both very soon! Secondly, my other sister brought me this awesome body suit that reads 'I'm cooler on instagram.' I absolutely love instagram and so I can't wait to wear this. 

 My best friend brought me some really cute presents. The one I've used the most is the Starbucks travel cup. I am a little bit addicted to flavoured lattes and I drink them all the time, it comes in handy to have travel mugs so that I can take coffee with me to college and work etc. The starbucks ones are great because you can take them in store and they'll put your order in your cup and it's a little bit cheaper. 

 Again, I hope you all had lovely Christmases. If you were wondering where my lightbox is from, click here to find one! They're awesome for doing flatlays for instagram or blogging!

The Grammar Police

I have always had a passion for studying literature and at 16 I was proudly one of those strange students that enjoy writing essays. For Literature GCSE we studied a variety of texts, my personal favourite being 'An Inspector Calls' by JB Priestly. I mastered the format and skills needed for those particular essays rather early on which meant, to my disgust and coinciding with the usual, tedious secondary school manner, I had to help the slower kids. And so, with the desperate hope to please my favourite teacher, a sassy, American lady with awesome hair and a very quick wit, I endlessly coached my table of time wasters and gum chewers until they too remembered to discuss the author's purpose and link such examples with the context of the play. 

 There are many disappointments in life, I was quick to realise. Amongst the worst are: savoury muffins and accidentally picking up low fat mayonnaise in the supermarket. For me, the worst by far is the tragic, unfortunate event of being stuck in a lesson, or any social situation for that matter, with a dunce who cannot consistently construct and grammatically correct sentence. For me, bad grammar is the savoury muffin of every English classroom. 

 Personally, I don't feel that grammar is a difficult thing to learn. When I was in year 3 and at a hideous primary school, determined to terrify the pupils into believing in God with the thret that we would all end up in the callous pits of hell, I was naturally eager to please. I eventually got so tired of being trapped in a constant state of confusion over which version of 'your' to us in each sentence that I later went home and, rather than repeatedly write out random words off of this week's 'spellings list', wrote out the different versions of 'where,' 'there,' and 'your' and taught myself how to use them accurately and appropriately. Consequently, never have I used the wrong 'your' or any of the other prime examples incorrectly in a sentence. At the mere age of 8 I mastered the 'yours'.' 

 Bearing that in mind and fast forwarding again to myself as a passionate literature student, you can probably empathise with my irritation when my mock essays were marked as only an A grade because I "could have linked to the context more coherently throughout." Meanwhile, over in the corner of my table, a gum chewer sat arrogantly with his A* having, to my utter disgust, used the word 'your' as a shortened version of 'you are.' Surely it must be a joke? I'm afraid not. I remember the essay clearly. After we had thoroughly but enthusiastically explored the build-up of tension between Sheila and her mother in the play, we were set a mock essay to write as homework. The groans that erupted from the Gum Chewers and the Hair Fiddlers were not only impertinent but also impossible to empathise with. I remember thinking to myself, "We're doing GCSE's, what do they expect?" I spent hours drafting and planning. I made tick lists to make sure I referred to the writer's purpose and context with every paragraph. I annotated the question to make sure I knew exactly what I needed to write. I recall clearly the week we spent waiting for them to be marked, a wait which was made longer by the fact that one Hair Flicker didn't hand theirs in until 3 days after the due date. We got them back and I was pleased with my A, an A is a good grade and I had months to bump that up to an A*. It wasn't that I was disappointed in myself but I was disappointed in the education system. I was angry that mark schemes could allow students with poor basic literacy skills to do that well in a literary exam. 

 And I wasn't alone. I sat opposite another equally passionate literature student. She had long brown hair that came to her waist that every other girl was envious of and her brain was filled with every sophisticated word you could think of; the other kids referred to her as 'The Human Dictionary.' To my absolute relief, I had found someone like me: a fellow grammar enthusiast. We had been friends before, years ago, way back in year 7-8 but this was a whole different level. We talked for a whole lunchtime about how inadequate and unacceptable bad grammar really was and how easy it is to get it right. Over the next few months I found a true ally in the English classroom. The Human Dictionary and I bonded over many lengthy debated such as how absurd it was that we were even put into the same class as people who couldn't spell properly. It was an abomination that a student who couldn't use the correct 'there' should even be awarded higher than a C grade. We would recommend books for each other to read and when it came to leaving that school for good, I felt deeply saddened to be leaving my fellow grammar fanatic behind. We planned weekends we would spend in the garden reading for hours and I expressed my jealousy over her book collection. I felt a healthy and enjoyable pressure to expand my reading regime to impress her. Inevitably, due to long journeys to each other's houses and the lack of essay construction to bond over, we grew apart. It was a bigger loss than I could ever have anticipated or even prepared myself for. 

 Lonely and bitter without my companion or confidant, I became cold and completely without any compassion for those who could not spell properly. 

 I didn't often get flirted with at secondary school... or any other form of school for that matter. My mum always told me it was because I was "too pretty" and I "scare them away." In retrospect, I can clearly see it was simply because my intolerance for those incapable of matching my passion for learning comes across as being abrupt and, in some few cases, unpleasant. The first time I experienced flirting, the summer after I left school, I was contacted by a seemingly friendly kid in my tutor group whom I had never really spoken to much before. The guy made a very rookie mistake by doing it over Facebook chat. Not only was this attempt unsuccessful because of the distinct lack of romance, but more so because it gave me a perfect opportunity to check out his spelling. I was sat in my younger sister's bedroom watching our usual marathon of Harry Potter films, simply because there wasn't much else to do. His name popped up on my screen and I thought it was just the usual nostalgia of leaving school and the burning need to keep up with as many people as possible, a feeling that I hadn't really experienced; I felt the need to abandon as many people as possible and run, as fast as my feet would carry me, away from the apostrophe crimes miss matched 'yours.' As soon as the conversation took off, dread filled my body. An explosion of frustration and pure impatience for the copious, careless grammar mistakes that invaded my Facebook Messenger like a vicious plague. The only quotations from this particular conversation that you need to understand the extent of my, perhaps slightly harsh, reaction are as follows:

Bad Grammar Guy: your beautiful
Me: My beautiful what?
Bad Grammar Guy: ...I said your beautiful
Me: I do not understand what beautiful possession you are referring to?
Bad Grammar Guy: No, I mean you are beautiful
Me: Oh. You mean 'You're.' I have to go now. 

 I would justify my abrupt response by explaining that I was in a bad place and missing my only friend with an ability to empathise with my frustration. However, to be completely honest, I'm not even sorry. What kind of date would it have been? What kind of relationship would we have if someone of my intellectual ability was paired with someone who can't even use word 'conjunctions' accurately? Imagine the love letters that I would have to go through and edit before I could allow myself to read them in order to focus on the emotion rather than the spelling mistakes. It's not just an insult to my intelligence but it's deeply unattractive and a clear red flag for laziness. If my 8 year old self could self-teach how to use these words correctly, why couldn't a 16 year old 'gentlemen?' After about 10 minutes of relentless complaining and, perhaps inconsiderate, talking over Harry's emotional conversation with his God Father, my little sister told me to, "block him and shut up." So that is what I did. To this day, I haven't run into Bad Grammar Guy or had to speak to or of him. I often think of him though and think with sympathy to his poor A level teachers who won't have such an easy escape. 

 To my delight, I came out of GCSE English Literature with a strong A, as did my fellow grammar enthusiast, The Human Dictionary. I have no idea what grade the Gum Chewer got because I didn't wish to communicate with him further after finishing secondary school. Bad Grammar Guy and I, as previously stated, are no longer in contact for what I believe to be clear and understandable circumstances. 

Autumn Poetry Collection

I have been asked to post some of my poetry by several of my readers. I'll admit, I am a bit apprehensive because poetry is such a personal form of writing and I'm not a professional writer, I am still studying the art of words and with that, I am still studying how to form poetry. However, there are a few short poems that I've written that I am really proud of and so I'm going to post them here for you to enjoy. One thing that differentiates this post from my usual is it gives you chance to give me feedback as a writer: whatever your initial reactions are to these poems, please feel free to comment below! I would really benefit from knowing what you think! First and foremost, most of the poems I will share were a part of a collection I had to write as a piece of mock coursework for my Creative Writing A level and so they are based around the given theme, Light, hence the running theme. I really hope you enjoy my first publicly shared poems!


 Stay Safe Within The Light, My Love. © 

I wrote such words of sorrow
to recover from the scar you left:
words of the smile I had to borrow
and the scars left beneath my chest.
Worry not for my discomfort
or the tears I have cried enough of;
stay safe within the light, my love.

Your hands soon found another
to replace the forever you threw away.
No more than a temporary lover.
The one who left always promised to stay.
Worry not for my discomfort
or the tears I have cried enough of;
stay safe within the light, my love.

You need not seek my forgiveness,
too often you drown within the dark
I was your savior from the wilderness,
I aided you to light the spark.
But I worry still for your discomfort
and the tears you have cried enough of;
stay safe within the light, my love.



Beneath My Ribs  ©

A candle would flicker in the wind,
the flame may even blow out.
My dearest, I struggled to understand
but I am on my way there now.

I kept it all silent for too long,
trapped beneath my lips.
Now you are long gone and oceans away,
so I will keep in beneath my ribs.

My tears put out your roaring flame,
perhaps it was selfish to request you stay.
My dearest, I struggled to understand
but now I am on my way.

You should know you do not hold the blame,
we shared it with each and every kiss.
Now you are long gone and oceans away,
so I will keep in beneath my ribs.

The House I Didn't Get To Build.  ©

You lit a match, 
I watched it burn.
You blew it out, 
I watched the ashes Fall.
You pressed your lips
against her skin-
merely a shadow
where I used to be.

You burnt down the house
I didn't get to build;
danced in the flames,
free of love and guilt.
We both will wait
but one will stay.
When you come back,
I know you won't chose me. 

Last Autumn.  ©

A kiss for my cheek as they change over the leaves.
A kiss on my neck as you're changing me.
You took a hold of my hand, to say the least; 
this time last autumn, you were holding me. 

A magical mist in this crisp new air. 
Old passion dying, acting as though you don't care.
Both pushing and pulling but one force is stronger,
I only wish last autumn had lasted longer. 

My eyes captivated on the fading leaves,
taking more notice than I usually do...
and with it is dying
my missing you. 

 © Chloe Hanks (All poetry shared here belongs to me. Please ask permission to copy any of this poetry and take it else where on the internet. Any quotation should clearly convey credit to my name and my blog and have my own personal permission of use) 

A Comfy, Cosy Christmas | The First Ever Look Book By Chloe Hanks

As a snuggle down in a big jumper with a blanket and a gingerbread latte, I find myself wondering why I haven't ever done one of these before. I have put it down to simply not having the time or motivation but thanks to my fantastic friends for taking seemingly endless trips down to the Stratford Upon Avon riverside to take pictures of me in various outfits, this has become possible. December is the birthday month for this blog. I posted my first post on this blog almost a year ago to the day I am writing this. My plan is to put it live on my blog's first birthday and so by the time you're reading this, my blog will be one year old! The theme of my first ever look book is winter. These outfits are outfits I wear to college and therefore outfits that I feel comfortable in even in the cold weather. Hopefully this can give you some ideas as to what you can wear fashionably in winter as well as being warm and comfortable. Most of the items are from my Black Friday New Look order but some of the items worn in conjunction are from elsewhere so I will let you know where each piece can be found, or else something similar. 

 We start with a simple duo: a camel coloured turtleneck (£19.99) partnered with a black skater skirt. The top is so beautiful and it has metallic thread running through the woven fabric which makes it look really festive for the Christmas season but appropriate for other times of year as well. This particular skirt was brought at H&M last summer (Back To School Haul) and so I'm not sure if the exact same one is still available; however, this item is very similar. I absolutely love this look. The lightly coloured top really compliments any brighter lip colour you might wear and it's such a simple outfit that you can show off with cute accessories. The lip colour I am wearing is by Soap & Glory and the bow in my hair was from accessorize about 2 years ago. Similar products can be found here. 

I love being able to put together a cute, simple outfit without having to spend lots of money. I've worn this twice since I brought it on Black Friday and I've received so many compliments. It's just a simple, grey swing dress (£14.99) but it's made from quite thick fabric and so, partnered with black tights, it does keep me really warm! Again, it's quite a simple colour and so you can be more adventurous with accessories and lip colour. I wore this whilst playing a gig at a Christmas market. It's not only extremely comfortable but it really wears well and is a sturdy fabric that doesn't get caught in the wind too much. 

  This outfit is similar to the first one but I think I prefer this one. It's a charcoal grey turtleneck (£8.99) which I was worried would look too dark with the black skirt but I absolutely love this look. The top is the most comfortable thing I've ever worn, it's so warm but isn't too thick and I find the darker colours really hug my body shape. It looks so cute with these khaki green pumps and and white bow! I'm wearing a redder shade of lipstick with this outfit but it's another soap and glory one! Soap and Glory lipsticks last really well in the colder weather and have a matte finish which look so lovely with blacks and greys. 

 This Khaki jumper was such a great find! I paid £7.99 for it and I absolutely love it! Khaki green is a key feature in my wardrobe, most of my favourite items are khaki as most of you know. It's the perfect colour to wear in autumn/winter time. This item is perfect for those days where you want to wear a more casual, baggy outfit and partners really well with a pair of black jeans. The jeans I'm wearing here are from topshop. I have to get jeans from more expensive shops so I can get sizes that will fit me; if you want to find cheaper ones look here.  

Finally, it's important to wrap up warm in the winter. Going to and from the riverside to take these pictures I wore the same coat and scarf combination over the top of every outfit you see here. A lot of beauty bloggers and fashion experts keep lots of different coats and jackets to go with every outfit. As a small scale blogger, I am painfully aware that realistically this isn't practical for people who don't make hundreds of pounds off of single blog posts and videos. Therefore, this is a simple coat and scarf combination that, I find, go with every outfit! Of course, the coat is Khaki green which is my favourite colour because it does just go so well with everything! However, I got it for Christmas last year and so this exact coat probably isn't available anymore. This one is very similar. The scarf is from New Look. (£9.99)

I've never done a look book before and so I've kind of been guessing as to what you're supposed to do - it's mostly pictures. I really hope you've enjoyed this and I hope you're as excited as I am about my blog turning one year old! I just want to say thank you all for reading these posts whether you've been here since last December or if this is the first post from me you've read! If you want to follow me then you can by clicking the button below to follow me on Google+. Happy New Year and I hope you had a lovely Christmas. 

I'd love to write a book someday...

It would almost seem tragically pointless for me to write about my life at 17 years old when I haven't even lived yet. I need to have something to write about, some kind of awesome story to tell that's worth sharing in order to provide some kind of insight or drive for people to carry on living through pain or nihilism or any other kind of lack of faith. As a writer, I do feel I can call myself a writer seeing as I am studying the art and creativity of words and also seeing as I'm sat alone in Starbucks drinking a lukewarm Caramel Latte, writing in a notebook to get inspiration, as a writer, I feel pressure to always twist whatever I have to say to be inspirational or even to say something life changing to make people grateful that they read my blog that day, or to justify why they should do so or even to make sure they carry on visiting and reading about an emotional 17 year old.
 I definitely feel like the best version of myself right now. Before I changed schools, I would watch people. I justify this by using the "I'm a writer, I have to watch people for ideas" excuse but really I'm just a bit nosey and insecure. I was so unhappy with myself at 16. I wanted desperately to be like the older and richer girls at my school who always had amazing clothes and makeup. It got so out of hand that I considered blowing all of the money I had religiously been saving to learn to drive on a new iPhone so that I could take HD selfies and upload them to Instagram like these girls did and feel beautiful. I thought that's what I had to do to feel beautiful.
 I have since finished GCSEs and left the school I hated and with that the girls I hated. I got my heart broken and through that summer I busked for money for all of my college requirements and more savings to go towards driving. I made my mum and younger sister come with me on a trip to Birmingham so I could buy nice clothes for college and pretty notebooks etc. If I'm honest, it's because I wanted girls to look at me the way I used to look at other girls. I wanted them to like me - I thought that's what it meant to be liked. I am grateful to my 16 year old self for one thing: when in Birmingham, I fought every urge to turn myself into one of those girls. As a result, completely by accident, I turned into myself. My inner Chloe power was too strong. I came home with clothes that looked like me, in the sense that they suited me and I felt like myself in them. I have heeled boots that click on the floor as I walk and they make me feel tall despite the fact that I'm a little over 5ft and struggle opening some heavy doors. I also came home with more stationary than I could ever need but it makes everyone think I've got my shit together, it's great!
 At secondary school I was so suppressed. Not just by the uniform and the lack of permission we had to be who we really are but by myself and my own insecurity.
 Being at a college to do A Levels is different. I have so much freedom that it makes me do better at my academic work and the activities that make me into myself. Looking back, school was definitely like a prison. Yet here I am, belonging to no institution like I did before. I'm not defined by a uniform or a building, I've been allowed to shape and reshape and flourish, literally in a couple of months. I can go and get coffee in my free periods because that's what I like to do. I can just sit and write for hours and then get graded on it and it's recognised as a talent and a form of intelligence.
 I don't dread waking up in the morning. That's so sad to admit: I used to be in pain waking up each day. In the pit of my stomach was this knot and I just knew I wouldn't have a good day. I actually miss college when I don't have to be there. I miss the people and I miss being able to be the best version of myself.
 When I left school I wrote a post explaining why I wanted to leave and that by leaving I was giving myself "my best chance." And I really have.
 I fell asleep the other night thinking to myself, "I'm actually a pretty cool person." At this point, I have 16.3K followers on instagram. Not because I brought an expensive Iphone and not because I'm making myself into the girls I used to envy, but because I find taking pictures therapeutic. I never post "flawless selfies" because it's not really who I am. I walk around with awesome outfits that didn't cost loads of money but they make me feel good.
 I am confident enough to sit alone in coffee shops and write blog posts and poetry because it clears my head and keeps me sane. I hated being 16. I was never good enough, not for anyone else but for myself. I do feel much older now despite having been 17 for 2 months. I'm really finding myself and I'm loving myself. All of the pieces have just fit back together and the picture is better than ever. I'm getting my lost love back, I'm not so dependent on others. I thought my sudden happiness was due to people coming back into my life but in reality I think it's been here a lot longer than I thought.

 I'd love to write a book about my life someday. I think blogging posts like this are a good way to document my life and struggles so far. I have a lot more to say at 17 than I realised.

Pray For Paris

I'm writing this on my phone. There's been no real drafting or proof reading etc. like I usually do with my posts. I'm not going to write any philosophical answers to the worlds problems as I feel like that would be an insult to the people working hard to restore as much peace as possible and to try to be clever and right in telling people how to pay respects would be rude and innapropriate. What I would like to say is this: as someone who finds it unpleasant and plainly scary to watch the news, I have been, in the worst way, captivated by the headlines oveer the last 24 hours. As a blogger I felt like I had to write something. I experienced genuine fear today I think for the first time in my life. I've had panic attacks but this was different. Sat safe in my home in a separate country to where these attacks took place with my family safe around me, I felt fear. Partly because I'm not stupid and I know Britain could well be next on the list but more so for people that I've never even met. Reading stories of how people pretended to be dead next to the bodies of their loved ones. That's fucking terrifying. I've been to concerts with my boyfriend. That could easily have been us if they had chosen a different target. I was about to turn 3 when 9/11 happened and today I selfishly thanked my stars that I was so young because I dread to think of the fear the world experienced that day. It's tragic that it takes times like these to unite us but it's ironically beautiful to see: people comforting strangers, crying for lives they may never meet, feeling relief over survivors whose faces flash on a tv screen never to be seen by our eyes again. Whatever happens as a result of this senseless tragedy cannot change the one thing we gain which is our unity and I hope we can hold onto that. 

 Stay safe and stay united, these people thrive off of fear and isolation. If you find comfort in praying then pray, if you feel helpless and like all you have to offer is changing your facebook picture to one of French colours then do so. The one thing all of our gestures have in common is that Paris is in our thoughts and that is important. Instead of critisising how others pay respects, pehaps we should realise that we need to stand together in every possible way, including how we discuss this tragedy online. 

 My thoughts are with the ones left in the turmoil, with the lives cut too short and my respect goes out to all who have been touched in a way in which makes us stronger as a nation. In a world of war it's up to us to show them love.

Autumn

The last six months have been some of the hardest, most painful of my life so far. I didn't ever consider what I would do should a reach a point like this in my life; I didn't know it was even possible to feel the way I have felt. I have written about it and processed it in my own way but as the life drained from the tips of the trees leaving crisp, auburn and burning colour, something shifted. Perhaps only pathetic fallacy, but the colours and beauty and magic seemed to awaken this simple idea within my own mind and imagination. It was this idea of new beginnings, of cycles and patterns; not of endings but of changes. So much has changed, it's still changing; my attitudes, my habits and thought processes. I am still myself but I am different, just as the bare trees are still the same ones that once were bursting at the tips of their branches with life, hope, science and colour. I don't chase things that are moving too quickly. I don't force myself into shapes that I know I can't fit into. I've become a version of myself that I love more than ever before. No one can love you like you love yourself. It isn't a form of vanity or arrogance but confidence and inner strength and respect. The worst part wasn't losing someone else, but losing me; it was written all over me, in the way I moved and the way I spoke. I felt as though everyone could see it, that I was heartbroken. It was like they were looking at me waiting for me to fall to pieces at their feet.They looked at me with pity, not sympathy. Yet I pulled myself back and now I just feel clean. 

 Music has helped heal me so many times before, not just the beauty of it and the art behind it but more so the words and the way of story telling. I've made myself listen to Clean by Taylor Swift every day for the last six months. One of the most powerful lyrics I've ever heard is "Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it." That told me that it was okay, being in pain was okay. I wasn't taking steps back every time I thought of him, it was all part of the process. I knew it was alright to want to cry and to feel like the life was just draining out of me just like the ghosts and skeletons of the summer left outside waiting to be revived in the spring time. My colours faded but they will come back. I can still feel the pain and the anger like the burnt orange leaves at my feet - but it isn't a part of me anymore. I feel like it's a complete separate thing. It's fallen off of me and I can leave it behind now even if I can still see it in my rear view mirror. It doesn't define me anymore. I am wiser. I am stronger. I am still breathing and even if I feel bare and numb and empty, I have a purpose and a future. I will grow new leaves once I can get through a cold, bitter winter and I could even love new people. I can be exactly who I want to be and I can do it for myself. I don't need to be anything for anyone else. I think I am finally clean. 
 This post is mainly pictures because I've found taking photographs to be fairly therapeutic especially when outside is looking so colourful. I hope you can find comfort in everyday things and learn to appreciate what you have as opposed to longing for what you don't.