Why I Cut My Hair.

Ever since I was tiny I hated the idea of having short hair. My sisters both grew up to have lovely thick hair because they constantly had it cut short as young children; however, I refused to allow my mum to have my hair cut short because I hated it. 
 I think there is about a 2 year period when I look back in photo albums when, at the age of about 10, my hair was cut short because it was so fine that the ends just looked awful. 

 I've always taken really good care of my hair to make sure I never had to cut it again. I use products such as Moroccan Oil that keep it soft and strong and I never straighten my hair. However, I do get highlights done but this has never been much of a problem for me. 
 Over the last 12 months however, because I have always taken such good care of my hair, I have been volunteered to model my hair for my work. I work at a hair salon and so I allowed my hair to be coloured and styled for all sorts of events from hair shows to open evenings. Due to my hair not being used to such pampering, this was a big mistake. 

You can see here how bad the damage was.

 I remember the last time I had highlights done and I suppose my hair had just had enough! I woke up the next day with a ball of frizzy, damaged, burned hair sticking out of the side of my head. I was mortified. I tried combing it out but the hair was so crinkled that this just broke off at the ends. I decided to massage conditioner into the mess and tie it up for the day. When I washed the conditioner out that evening, the frizzy ball seemed to have revered itself but my hair was never the same after that. 

 For the last few months I have been battling to undo the damage. I've tried all sorts of damage repairing shampoos and treatments. Nothing worked. My lovely, healthy hair was gone. My boss cut out a good few inches of my hair which terrified me but it seemed to help. I still had horrible, dry bits of hair on my head but having it cut seemed to improve the feel of it. 

Since the cut, I'd been battling with my hair further and just got fed up. I was either pulling it back into a pony tail or pulling the front back into a half up-do type thing so the damage was hidden and I just started to think 'What's the point?' Why have long hair that you hate?

I CUT MY HAIR!

 So I decided to face my fear. It was a bit of a swift decision. I didn't ponder over it too much, I just said one day: 'I'm gonna cut my hair, I'm just gonna cut it all off' and that's I did. 

 The feel of my hair is just so much better. It looks healthier and I don't have to worry about it anymore. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. 

 If you hate your hair and aren't sure what to do with it, my advice to you is just to take a risk. I used to hate the idea of having short hair but I don't think I've ever loved my hair more! I am so glad I did it!

 Don't forget to follow my blog on google+ and feel free to share any problems you have with your hair in the comments, I'm sure somebody will have some great advice for you:)

I love my hair now:)

Goodnight, Chloe x.

Panic Attacks Suck.

I don't usually write posts like this anywhere on the Internet because I'm not very good at handling the 'you're an attention seeker' comments that you inevitably get from them. If you are reading this and thinking horrible things like that about me as you do, please refrain from judging me until you get to the end because I'm trying to help people and I'm going to round this up in a way that might make people feel better. 

 As most of you know, I am a musician and on Friday I was supposed to be playing a fairly big gig at a lovely pub about an hours drive from where I live. There were about 200 people there and I was really excited for it because I haven't played a proper gig since the beginning of December because I was poorly over Christmas and had to cancel a gig on the 28th. However; in the car on the way over I had a massive panic attack. It was one of the horrible ones that take forever to actually hit you but I was so focused on trying to stop it that I couldn't tell anyone. It started in my fingers as my hands began to go numb and then, by the time it hit me and I started hyperventilating, my hands and arms were so numb that I couldn't even wiggle my fingers to get the feeling back. Seeing as I had to be at the venue to play at 8 and it was about 7:50 when my parents had to pull over in the car to help me, I couldn't play. I stayed at the venue to watch all the other acts anyway because I wanted to give my support and avoid getting back into the car for as long as possible because being a passenger in a car makes me feel so uncomfortable anyway, especially when I'm feeling anxious. 

 I'm very conscious of letting people down and I hate feeling like I've been an inconvenience to somebody so I was very apologetic to the lovely guy running the evening. We had a lovely conversation over facebook yesterday where he told me that he recognised my symptoms as soon as he saw me and he admired me for staying to support everyone else. When my parents went to speak to him to tell him I couldn't play they just told him I wasn't feeling well because people tend to freak out as soon as they know someones having a panic attack; knowing that he understood and that he was so supportive really made me feel 100x times better the next day because usually I feel very down for the next few days after an anxiety attack. I feel even worse if it means I have to cancel a gig. 

 I've been having panic attacks since I was 12. That's 4 years. My parents have known about it for about 8 months. It was about 18 months before I knew what these 'episodes' were and that was only because I saw a video that Zoe Sugg (Zoella) made on YouTube explaining the symptoms of panic attacks and I realised that what she was describing was exactly what I was having. I still didn't tell anyone because I didn't think anyone would believe me. The only reason people know about my anxiety is because I had a panic attack in a drama lesson last spring whilst we were watching a very graphic reenactment of a car crash. I panicked, hyperventilated and ended up passing out from lack of oxygen. It was the most horrific experience of my life; not only because it was happening but because people were watching it happen and I couldn't hide it anymore. But funnily enough, I am kind of thankful for it. Due to not being able to hide it anymore, that meant I had to explain to my classmates what had happened. Obviously, in secondary school, rumours about drama like that spread like wildfire and so I had to talk about it a lot to clear up what people were saying. (Some people thought I had been possessed by the devil. I still don't really understand that one either.) Furthermore, from having to talk to people about what actually happened, more and more people said to me that it had happened to them too. For the first time I didn't feel weird. I'm not weird. 

 I now have friends that I know suffer from anxiety too. There's this one girl that always talks to me about her panic attacks after she's had them and I talk to her about mine too. One thing I've found really helps me is to explain what happened to my body and when. Like I have done here, I wrote that I lost the feeling in my fingers first and then my whole arms. It really helps to try to remember what happened to your body and what you did to feel better. It helps you come to terms with whatever triggered the attack. 

 In this post I've talked a lot about cars and how uncomfortable I feel in them. Also, my major panic attack was triggered by watching a car crash happen. You're probably thinking I was in some kind of accident and I'm having panic attacks due to the trauma I experienced. You're wrong. Nothing like that has ever happened to me. That's the one thing I struggle the most with now. After 4 years, actually having the attacks isn't the worst part for me. I've gotten used to the fact that they are a part of my life and I know how to breathe and how to recover. The worst part for me is not knowing why. I hate not knowing why I'm scared of cars. I hate not knowing why I don't like meeting new people or why I don't like ordering my own food in restaurants. I hate not knowing why I don't like leaving the house by myself or why I hate staying over at friends houses. I hate not knowing why the idea of flying on a plane makes my palms sweat. It's so hard to understand anxiety when you don't know why you're scared of those things. Some people do suffer from anxiety because of a traumatic event but some people just suffer from anxiety. It's vitally important to understand people's triggers and be respectful of them because we're not all the same. 

 The last thing I want to write about is just to not punish yourself for you anxiety. Like I mentioned before: I always feel really down for days after I have a panic attack for a multitude of reasons. However, I've come to the conclusion recently that I deserve to be comfortable with my anxiety. It's bad enough that I have to sacrifice the minutes that I'm having the attacks and the evenings or days afterwards that I feel anxious for. I shouldn't have to feel like I can't carry on as normal just because I've had a panic attack. I often wonder why the attack sticks in your mind for so long after it happens. Aside from the fact that they're pretty traumatic, why does it take so long to let go of the individual attack? 

 My goal for the next time I suffer from an anxiety attack is to try to let go as quickly as possible and just carry on. I'm going to let myself laugh and not think that I have to sit and be depressed for a few days just because I've had that horrible experience. 

 If you suffer from anxiety too, whether its actual panic attacks or whether you suffer from stress and worry, please comment below your stories if you feel like you want to share them or even you're coping strategies. The main thing I want you to take from this post is that it really does help to talk about it. I'm so thankful that I know so many people that are going through the same thing but I know often people don't so if you want to share your experiences anonymously, please do not hesitate to message me on tumblr on anonymous and tell me your story: www.chloehanksmusic.tumblr.com and I will help as much as I can! :)

Have a lovely day, Chloe x.   

Book Review | Girl Online by Zoe Sugg.

I received this book for Christmas and couldn't wait to read it. I had highly anticipated it and made myself wait for Christmas day rather than go out and buy it myself. I fell ill over the holidays and so I was given perfect opportunity to read it!

 The book is about a young girl who suffers from anxiety attacks after being in a car accident. The story follows her journey as she copes with her anxiety by documenting it on a blog much like this one. It is nicely rounded up after she falls in love and ends up being exposed from her anonymous blog. The book has a very powerful but clear message about the way bloggers and YouTubers can be treated by their viewers which, as we all know, is a subject very close to Zoe's heart. 

 There was a lot of bad press received by Zoe herself after the book was released. People claimed that she didn't write the book herself and that she had 'lied' to her fans. This made me very angry right from the start because people have such little empathy for somebody who has given them so much. Of course Zoe received help with structuring and writing her book. She makes YouTube videos and writes a fantastic blog but she's never written a novel before! It angered me that people really expected her to just know how to write a best selling book right from the word go. I'm pretty sure that nobody on this earth could write their first novel completely by themselves without any help from outsiders at all given the fact that they have never written anything like that before in their entire lives. 


 The main issue covered by the book were that of suffering from anxiety which some of you will know is something I have suffered from and am suffering from now. Reading the story of this girl who I strongly believe is based on Zoe herself really helped me even though I thought I had come to terms with having panic attacks a very long time ago. The book subtly exposes the reader to some strategies to do with coping with anxiety and minimizing your chances of anxiety attacks even when they have already started. This for me was an incredible guide and I paid attention to every single word. It comforts me to know that this book is out there for people who are just begging to suffer from anxiety and that they can know right from the off how to deal with it and who to get help from. I think it was very brave of Zoe to give such a personal aspect to the character 'Penny' especially when Zoe finds it so hard to illustrate her anxiety to the public. This is one of the many reasons I was so defensive of Zoe when people claimed it 'wasn't her book' 

 Zoe wrote a blog post shortly after the book was released about being kind to people online and some of the horrible comments herself and her friends receive on a daily bases. I read this blog post before I read the book and was certain it had been written as a response to the hateful comments people had been making about Zoe using a Ghost Writer. After finishing the book and read the ending I realised it was so much deeper than that. The character 'Penny' is exposed to the public after writing an anonymous blog for years due to being romantically   involved with an up and coming musician without knowing his celebrity status. Penny is attacked constantly over a few day period online via her blog and celebrity gossip sites. I really feel like this book was a way for Zoe to stand up, not only for herself and her YouTube friends, but for every single person that is bullied online. The message is a powerful one that I didn't anticipate at all. When reading it I no longer felt like I was reading from the point of view of a fictional character; I felt very strongly that Zoe and Penny are the same person and that message was coming straight from Zoe herself. Again, proof that she, of course, wrote her book. I am so thankful that she included that message in her book because it really bothers me how rude and arrogant people can be to the people that sacrifice their privacy and security to give us videos and medium that we enjoy and don't always appreciate. I again think it was extremely brave of Zoe to make such a statement. 

 The book is written very coherently. It was very easy to read, there wasn't any jumping backwards and forwards in time which I always enjoy because it's simpler to understand. Zoe paid key attention to developing characters and I loved how she inserted the blog posts into the book. Each one was necessary to the story line which helped the story move on a lot quicker. It's one of those books that is constantly moving forward and so you never get bored of reading it. It's the kind of book I could and definitely will read over and over again because it is just so powerful and so touching. I know Zoe is making plans for a sequel which I cannot wait for!

 If you haven't read 'Girl Online' yet I seriously urge you to get a copy. It is appropriate for younger readers but thoroughly enjoyed by a 16 year old too;)
 I hope you're enjoying the beginning of 2015. I know I am. Make sure to follow my blog on google+ for more product reviews and a January Online Shopping Haul coming very soon!
Goodnight, Chloe x.

Competition.

The whole world is full of competition. In a way it seems wrong, to constantly be at war with ourselves and the world around us; however, I think we would all fall apart without it. 

 I know so many people who constantly feel in competition not only with others but even with themselves. In some ways it can be really unhealthy to feel at such an extent that you're not good enough; you end up loathing yourself. I used to absolutely torture myself with pictures of 'perfect' girls and celebrities begging myself to be 'more like them.' It was only a few years ago, when my music really started to take off and I found some decent friends, that I realised I didn't need to be more like anybody except myself. Finding who you are is a key factor in becoming self confident. 

 Insecurities are deadly little monsters that live inside every single human being's brain. Everyone has days where they feel like they're not as good as other people and do you know what? I think that is absolutely as healthy as getting your 5 a day. I can honestly say I would hate to be 100% comfortable with every single aspect of my life. Just think about it, without some sort of insecurity you would have no goals, no aspirations, nothing to work for or to gain. We need to have that little 'niggle' in the back of our minds to keep us going and to push us forwards. It's important. 

 Speaking mainly to girls here (sorry boys.) I think everybody, regardless of age or school or hobby or any other contributing factor, knows that 'Perfect Girl.' You know, the one with the flawless instagram feed with 1000's of followers and she gets 100's of likes on each picture. The one whose tumblr account gets hundreds of asks per day about how flawless she is. The one who can draw perfectly or always wears the most precise cat flick eyeliner you have ever seen in your entire life. But do you know something, that 'Perfect Girl.' hasn't the slightest notion that she is the 'Perfect Girl.' I will bet you any money that she sits on instagram looking at pictures of Mila Kunis sobbing into ice cream and writing into a journal about how she will never be as perfect as her. That is because she will have insecurities too, everyone does. I will also bet you that there is some girl at your school flicking through your facebook photos right now wishing she could be more like you. It's a teenage cycle and it will never ever change. And believe me, I know how frustrating it is to see a girl who is everything you want to be but everything that you will never be and the easiest thing to do is just hate that girl with every fibre of your being, but that only makes you more miserable. 

 I still remember the day my mother pointed out to me that celebrity images were 'air brushed.' Not that 11 year old me understood what air brushing was. We were in the car, parked in a car park somewhere waiting for something, I was looking at the cover of Pixie Lott's album 'Turn It Up' that we were obsessed with that month. I must have mentioned something about how perfect she looked and how flawless her skin was and my mum said to me 'It's only because it's airbrushed, I bet she has spots.' And to be completely honest, I didn't understand nor care, and I carried on being mesmerised by how perfect these celebrities were. I also remember when I reached the age of 13 and realised that the reason my girl friends on facebook were getting 200+ likes on pictures was because of an app called Picnik. You could go on and airbrush your own photos and add filters and all sorts. I tried it and was hooked. I refused to post any 'selfie' without first giving it a thorough once over on Picnik to make sure I looked 'flawless.' This then led to another belt of low self esteem when I still didn't get as many likes as my friends. It's only now that I look back in horror of how much the media is taking over the way we feel about ourselves. It's bad enough that we were forced to look at images of impossibly perfect celebrities but now we have to make ourselves look a fake kind of perfect too? It's as if we are being given the tools to completely tear apart the idea of self confidence and natural beauty. 

 The past few years I've become much less interested about how I appear on social media. I don't put as much effort into it because it really doesn't matter to me anymore. Once you find people who like you for who you are, it doesn't matter as much what people think of the 'online' version of yourself. I now use social media to promote my music more than anything else. I don't really worry about not being good enough anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still have my 'I'm worthless' days/weeks where I think about nothing else apart from how everyone else is prettier/more talented/funnier/more what ever else you can think of, than me. In fact, it was one of those days that inspired this blog post. However, I don't ever really act on it. I hardly ever spend much time editing photos anymore and if I do it's only because I quite enjoy doing it. I don't sit for hours with the 'blemish fix' tool editing out that one beauty spot that I hate with a passion. It just seems pointless to me when I could be writing a song in that time or learning a new cover. If you can find the things that you're good at, rather than fussing over the things that other people are naturally good at, you will become much more confident in yourself. I guarantee you that. 

 Some people are naturally good at posing in pictures. Some people are naturally very good at art. Some people are crazy talented when it comes to acting or film production. There's a quote from Albert Einstein that says  "everybody is genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." I think it could be applied here. The point I'm trying to make is that, if you spend hours torturing yourself because somebody else is better than you at something, you're making things so much worse for yourself. That same person probably spends hours looking at something you can do and wishing they could be more like you. It's almost like a really famous actor telling themselves they're talent-less because Leonardo Divinci was better at painting than them! You have talents and they have talents and we are all special in our own rights.

What I would like for you do is this: Comment in the space below one thing that you can do really well. One thing you're proud of no matter how big or small. Then next time you find yourself staring at that 'Perfect Girl' on instagram I want you to turn off your phone and spend some time working on whatever that talent is. We meet no ordinary people in this life, if you give them a chance everyone has something special to offer. 

Goodnight, Chloe x.